Fear, Rejection, and All That

Randy Ingermanson and Mary DeMuth talk about marketing: Fear, Rejection, and All That

From Randy:
My friend Mary DeMuth recently published an e-book with
the title THE 11 SECRETS OF GETTING PUBLISHED.

Given that the price is only $2.99, I assumed the book
would be about 50 pages with a few simple tips on
breaking into publishing.

When Mary sent me a copy, I was astounded to find that
it ran to 229 pages of solid information on breaking
in. Developing your craft. Learning discipline.
Learning to accept critiques. Writing a query and a
proposal. And tons more. Mary packed this book.

The chapter that hit home for me was titled, "Overcome
Fear and Rejection." You'd think I'd be good at that
after 23 years of this writing game, but I still hate
rejection and I still battle fear.

Last week, I did an interview on Skype with Mary for
over an hour. We talked about several topics from her
book. In this column, I'll run only the conversation we
had on fear and rejection. (I'll publish the full
conversation on my blog soon.)

Here's our dialogue:

RI: One of the main sections of your e-book is about
overcoming fear and rejection. That sounds a little
like, "Don't think about pink elephants." You can't do
that by thinking about it. So how do you do it?

MD: As I said earlier, rejection is a sign of growth.
If you're not submitting, you won't be rejected. But if
you are submitting, you will be.

RI: Well, aren't you Miss Sunshine today?

MD: You have to settle your own issues of personal
worth as you head into publishing or those rejections
will mess with your mind.

RI: Expand on that personal worth thing. That's
something I wrestle with.

MD: Well, if I believe that publishing is the
validation of my life, if I'm rejected, suddenly I have
no validation. But if I realize my worth isn't what I
do but who I am, I can learn to weather rejection. It
doesn't have to devastate me.

RI: Personal worth for me is tied to achievement. So if
I haven't achieved anything yet, what's my personal
worth?

MD: Ah, Randy. All of us here would heartily agree that
you're worth your weight in gold (to use a cliche). I
think this journey has been placed in front of me so
that I'll learn the important lesson that I am much
more than what I produce and achieve.

RI: It seems like there are two mistakes to make
though. The other error is the whole "self esteem"
thing. So everybody gets a trophy, whether they did
anything or not. It seems like we have to strike a
balance.

MD: Yeah, and that's what self publishing has done to
publishing. I will run into people who have basically
sent a Word file to a company and had it "published"
with 100 typos and they feel like they're published.
Without any sweat or effort. Makes me a little crabby.

RI: I see a lot of writers with a misguided belief that
just because they typed a story, it's going to be a
bestseller, just cuz. "Because I'm the center of the
universe." Well, they've certainly published, but not
necessarily anything worth reading.

MD: Yeah, and I'm here to say that is truly not the
reality. Everyone needs to grow. Not everyone can write
a bestseller. You can even write award winning books
and not sell.

RI: But let's get back to that self-worth thing. We
need it in order to handle rejection. But if we have an
exaggerated self-worth, then we ignore the very real
critiques of our work that would force us to grow.

MD: Yes. You have to settle your calling. That's what
helps me weather the ups and downs of publishing. I
know-know-know that I am gifted to write. That I'm
supposed to write. Because of that settled knowledge,
when I'm rejected, I can dust myself off and keep at
it.

RI: How do you develop a realistic self-worth that will
get you through the hard times without being crushed?
What I mean is, how do you "know" that?

MD: That's a good question. For me it's been looking
back over my life and seeing all the input I've
received over the years. Folks told me I could write
when I wrote Christmas letters. My teachers saw the
gift. And, yes, mentors have helped me hone the gift
and encouraged me to continue.

RI: Maybe it comes down to a trusted editor or coach or
friend? I critique a lot of writers at conferences.
What I notice is that most of them either think too
highly of their own work or else too poorly. Very few
have an accurate idea of how well they write.

MD: And I find when I meet someone who has a balanced
perspective, he/she is most likely the person who will
be published. We must be teachable, yet confident in
our calling to write.

RI: Right, I was just thinking of Jim Rubart, whom I
met a few years ago at a conference. I think he knew
he had the goods, but he also knew that he needed some
guidance. What I saw right away was that he was very
well balanced.

MD: He's a good example. And then he published a
bestselling book with B & H publishing! But it took
several years. That balance is a rare thing. He paid
his dues. Learned the craft. And eventually published.
He also is a marketer, so I think that helped too.

RI: I think most writers I run into suffer from the "I
am dirt" mentality. But the ones in the most trouble
are the "I am gold; kneel before me" writers. You can't
tell them anything.

MD: Note to writers who think they are dirt: You're
not. Rest there. Learn now, be teachable, and keep at
it. True.

RI: I've only seen a very few writers who really were
horribly bad writers. And oddly enough, I think all of
them thought they were spectacular.

MD: I've seen a few. Yes, they thought they were
awesome.

RI: I'd much rather coach an "I am dirt" writer. They
can be taught, usually. Do you ever suffer from those
feelings that your writing totally sucks and that
you're a fraud?

MD: Totally. Every time I hand in a manuscript, I
panic. That happened recently. I wrote a book that I
thought was schlock and that I'd surely be found out.

RI: Yeah, you get that horrible feeling that "This book
is the train wreck which will expose me for the fraud
I've always been."

MD: I was very surprised when the editor emailed me
praising the book, calling it a classic. Absolutely
floored me. Yes, I think we all think that way. I wrote
an article once about that for Writers Digest:
http://www.writersdigest.com/article/inspiration-vs-perspiration/
About how inspiration doesn't always mean the prose is
good. Nor does perspiration mean it's bad. Often the
best prose comes when we push our way through, painful
word by painful word.

RI: Gack, that sounds . . . painful. So what's the
bottom line here for writers? On the fear and rejection
thing?

MD: Perspire until the inspiration comes. Not vice-
versa. On fear and rejection: it will come, but don't
wallow there. You have to be a bootstrap writer.

RI: I just had an insight. Maybe the best way to deal
with fear and rejection is to know that other writers
also have fears and hate rejection. Real writers.
Published writers. Award-winning authors. Best-selling
authors.

MD: Yes, we're in community. And honestly, when I
suffer from a big rejection, I go to my writer friends
and ask them for advice. Usually I get encouragement
back. And that makes me want to keep at it.

RI: So maybe the real answer isn't "Suck it up." Maybe
the real answer is "Misery loves company."

MD: True. The best thing you can do as a writer is form
a community of like minded writers around you.

RI: A topic for another day. I just wrote a column on
that in the June issue of my e-zine on the subject of
what I call "Allies."

Well, Mary, that about does it for today. We've talked
just a little about one of the 11 topics you cover in
your new e-book, THE 11 SECRETS OF GETTING PUBLISHED.
This book is now available for $2.99 at all the usual
online retail outlets.

Here's a link to Mary's book on Amazon:
http://www.AdvancedFictionWriting.com/blinks/demuth/11secrets.php

Visit Mary on the web here:
http://www.marydemuth.com
http://www.facebook.com/authormarydemuth
http://www.twitter.com/marydemuth

_____________

This E-zine is free, and I personally guarantee it's
worth at least 1000 times the price. I invite you to
"steal" it, but only if you do it nicely . . .

Distasteful legal babble: This E-zine is copyright
Randall Ingermanson, 2011.

Extremely tasteful postscript: I encourage you to email
this E-zine to any writer friends of yours who might
benefit from it. I only ask that you email the whole
thing, not bits and pieces. Otherwise, you'll be
getting desperate calls at midnight from your friends
asking where they can get their own free subscription.

At the moment, there is one place to subscribe:
http://www.AdvancedFictionWriting.com